21 June 2011

Dear Larry Flynt

Dear Mr. Flynt,
I am writing concerning a letter of yours I recently saw on Huffington Post in which you offered the former Congressman Weiner a position with your company.  I, however, have not heard Mr. Weiner's response and am concerned he will refuse such a generous offer.  It is with this in mind that I would like to offer myself as a suitable, although less qualified replacement for the position.
While I have not held office, I have spent the past months living in Washington DC and witnessing and occasionally enjoying the level of debauchery that happens here.  I can assure you that while my resume is not yet as outstanding as Mr. Weiner's, I would make a suitable stand-in for these reasons:
  1. My moral high horse ran away during a thunderstorm and has never come back to the stable.
  2. I am willing to voice my opinions and have a brilliant shouting voice.
  3. Having been a long time advocate of exercise, I am not hard to look at.
  4. I am an advocate of freedom of speech, and the free expression of sexuality.
  5. I am willing to run for any office and place myself into the public realm.
  6. I am willing to continue taking compromising photos of myself and sending them to consenting adults.
  7. Having studied film/video production and theory in school I am quite capable of producing high quality and artsy sex tapes if the need arises.
I would offer my services for 20% less than what you have offered Mr. Weiner and am more than willing to relocate at the drop of a hat.  I am also willing to change my last name to allow for sophomoric New York post headlines.  I might add that I have a sufficiently inflated ego to make an excellent talking head. 
Furthermore, Mr. Flynt, I have a special relationship with the repulsive. I find it necessary to seek out that which I fear in order to grow.  Life is short and we must embrace every part of it, especially what we do not understand.
It is with this in mind that I present you my strongest quality: my love of hypocrisy.  As a self-proclaimed artist, it is the very shackles of society that provide me with inspiration.  I long to take the racism, sexism, and any other "ism" that stands in the way of progress and force people to take its hand and dance.  In many ways I feel that I share the same mission as Paul Tillich: "...to bring faith to the faithless and doubt to the faithful."
It is my opinion Mr. Flynt, that while Mr. Weiner is the obvious first choice for the position, I would be an excellent stand-in.  I am young, handsome, and would be receptive to your tutelage.   
Thank you for taking the time to read my request and please contact me with the information provided below so that we can set up a time to discuss this matter in depth. 


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