violence is only the answer to a question left unasked

Hey asshole,

You are the most selfish fucking piece of shit. Words cannot express the depths to which I despise you right now, these mere guttural utterances ring hollow in the cavern of violence I would do you right now if you were within reach. Why threaten to off yourself when I'll gladly do it for you? I swear to whichever godless heathen bitch you picked up in that bar, you're not stupid enough to just go and die out of boredom, that's not your style. If ending it all is what you want, you'll end more than just yourself if for no other reason than to keep you amused while you die. You'll do something so colossally stupid that it can only be intentional, and you'll make sure no one knows what's going on. You wouldn't reach out for help, you were just fucking with me.

You had to have been.

Why would you possibly turn to me if you were serious? I'm nothing, I'm just someone who hasn't pissed you off enough yet to have been sloughed off. I'm the parasite to your insanity, growing fatter the thinner you become. You've never needed me, you can't need me if I need you to be whole and broken and wholly broken off from reality to provide me with the sanity I need just to stay adrift. I wouldn't be half the man I am today without you, how can you need me? You helped create me. What could I ever possibly be to you for you to turn to me for help?

Oh shit, what if you really were turning to me for help? Should I have called you and talked until you got so sick of my voice that you agreed to live just to shut me up? Should I have said something gushy and sappy? Should I have put my book down and paid attention to you? Should I not have challenged your assertion? Why would you turn to me, I don't know how to do this! There are people who know what to do in these situations much better than I. Asking for my help is a death wish (!!!) of ineptitude. You couldn't have meant it. There's no way.

I hope you have the world's worst hangover tomorrow morning, and I don't care how sober you were tonight.

Heidi

Pent Up and Penned Down

Dear 5w3et_th1ng42;

Do you remember when you asked me what I wanted in a relationship? I had no answer for you, so I told you that I didn't know. In retrospect, I think that was the wrong question to ask. Each relationship is different, each person is different, and I don't want the same relationship with each person. There is no generic ideal relationship to me, I can't just want something that doesn't exist. A better question would have been "what do you want in this relationship?" but I barely knew you then, and all I knew, all I could possibly want then was to see where things would go.

I let you set the pace because you- remarkably- seemed the more cautious one of us. We agreed upon our parameters before I had any idea where I wanted them to be. Now I have a much better idea of what I want in this relationship, but now it is too late.

The long and short of it is that I want to spend more time with you than you have available to spend with me. Between our respective temporal constraints we have a severely constricted amount of time available within which to have any sort of relationship, and it doesn't allow for any sort of natural development. It is agonizing to me to keep all this inside, but what purpose would it serve to tell you? You wanted a drama-free relationship, which is one of the few things I know I can provide, you wanted to know if you could handle dating two people at once, and I know I can provide a positive portion of that experience for you; I'm helping you find what you want in the long term at the expense of my own sanity/happiness/whatever. There is no solution to my problem, so why impose it on you?

Sincerely,

blu3y3d_w0nd3r

Play the Game But Don't Game the Play

Dear predatorial smile;

Fuck you and your unnerving presence. I don't care how many faces you appear on or how unexpectedly you do so, I will never succumb to your seductive curves. The teeth shining out from your lips give me all the warning I need; to quoth the rave- nevermore! I've explored the depths of your pouting folds, I've seen the damage of your bite, I should know better by now than to be taken in by the power of your intensity.

You've kept me captive before- velvet gloves over iron fist. I've been helpless in your radiance, you've taken what you wanted from me before and still demanded more. I have nothing left to give. Leave me and bereave me of your presence, let me live in the shadows, I am burning in your light. Quench the pain and let me breathe freely once more, remove me from your fiery gaze.

I've seen you appear in the mirror too; I've felt you on my face when faced with a malleable new fresh face just begging to be taken over. I've overtaken your adrenal grace to paw at the lace binding my new prey, praying for it all to be over, for I am as much at your mercy as my victim is. It doesn't matter which side of the smile I find myself, this is no victimless crime. I am captive to the rhythm of the seduction, be it directed at me or directed by me. I am the author of my own destruction and construction and restruction; constricted by the constraints of time and space which exist in continuum, you manage to exist in a vacuum and vacuum the life from me when you caress me so swiftly.

What do you want? You already have me at your mercy, the power should have gone to your head by now and made you weak. Why must you continue to haunt me so? I've given up everything I am to your every whim and vim, your rigorous vigor shatters my vigil every time. I lay awake at night dreading the anticipation that foreshadows your sudden appearance, anticipating the dread that builds in your absence. This half life of the waking dead that I walk while you are away only makes your brief shining visits all the more cloyingly horrifying. This is no ploy, I want you gone for good. No more shall your glistening lips tongue my days and shake me from this dreary existence. I've never been more alive than when captive to your glorious tango, but this is no way to live.

Please release me from your hold. I shall never be free to join you if you don't let me leave.

Forever yours,

a caged songbird 

To the block

Dear Block,

 

Why do you sit here poised heavily upon my heaving chest.  Staring back at me begging me to move you, when you know very well that I can do nothing with your girth.  No pound of muscle can tense and push you from your lofty perch. 

 

Yet you beg me to move you, you beg me to continue to try. 

 

So I do. 

 

I writhe and wriggle beneath you. 

 

I long to escape. 

 

Beads of sweat pour down my swollen face.  The vascular structure races to the surface of my epidermis as I strain. 

 

A push, a pull, a quiver, a quake and still you remain.  Laughing at me with your blank expression.  Taunting me with your unscathed surface. 

 

It's all a big fucking guffaw to you.  A silly game playing on my most basic needs.  You love it don't you?  To watch me.  To watch me stare back at you with hate burning behind my  eyes.  To see me succumb to a Hun like rage.  Watching my lips peal back from my gnashing teeth. 

 

But you do not fear me.  You care not for the pounding heart, or my raised hackles.  No you simply sit blankly.  Looking through me.  Ignoring my strength, my anger, my very being. 

 

You watch me destroy myself.  Breaking my own bones and tearing my own ligaments.  You sit and you watch it all. 

 

When the light has left from my eyes, and all hope seems to have morphed into bitter complacency, only then do you fly from me.  Floating listlessly into the air and leaving me bruised and broken.  With the words "Thank You" carved into my dried and cracked lips.  

 

Thank you

 

Until we meet again,

 

X

Letter to my beliefs

Dearest Ashley,

When you leave I die a little.  Piece by piece I float softly to the ground.  All to guide your callased Scandanavian feet across time and difference. 

When you are here I feel your soft leather.  You become the cand around my neck.  Holding me tight to the lumbering carriage of your Sunday sojourns. 

Nestled tightly between my muscle's spread thin fibers.  You use my strength to weaken me.  You use my scar tissue for the foundation of your brutal home. 

I love you.

You were the one who never purchased what I was selling.  The one who left my buskerker's hat empty while I danced for the crowd. 

I love you.

Where so many provided the small of their backs for my German foot to land; you bent my English back to kneel before you.  When others anointed me with oil; you only laughed before dining on my freshly glazed flesh.

I love you.

I wish you would stay.  I want you to destroy me.  To rip limb from socket and beat me within an inch of meeting the eternal nothing.

I know I could never keep you, but you can wear me around your neck.  A medal displaying your power, vigor, and valor.

Forever Yours

X

Sweet Struggle of Release

Dear Inner Child;

Didn't I banish you years ago? What are you doing here, creeping around in my clothes? Where did you learn to saunter around in heels? How did you learn to dress to accentuate your curves so well? And where did you get curves, for that matter? What happened to your jutting ribs and petulant slouch? I can't find a single twig or clover in your elegantly coiffed hairdo. What are you using, bobby pins? I still can't figure out how to use bobby pins, how did you perfect the technique? No seriously, how? I could use some pointers.

That radiant smile you beam so generously at my friends a new captive audience; there's not a hint of my carefully crafted cynicism. The lines around your eyes don't betray a single tear that's ever been shed. Where is my piercing wit? Why are you being so kind, how have they earned your affection so easily? The effortless joy with which you relish my life, you almost make it seem fun. I almost envy you for walking my path so delicately.

After everything I've done to suppress you, you still emerge hale and hearty when I least expect it. I thought you were to forever remain a ghost of my former insecurities, preying upon the adult facade I've so carefully constructed over the years. I've fought so hard to get it right, and only now do I discover that all I had to do was let go and you would show up just to show me up.

Love and resentment,

Your outer adult