Dear Woman sitting in front of me on the bus;
Shut up. Get off your goddamn phone, nobody cares about your Chihuahua's tracheotomy. That whimpering noise it makes when you get home? That's because it sees your mink coat, which is hideous, by the way, and thinks that you're going to skin it too. It fears your fat ass because it's too stupid to realize how fucking worthless you are. It doesn't love you, not even in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way. It can't love you, nobody could ever love you.
No, oh hell no. She hung up on you, don't call your mother to bitch about it. Oh, that was your sister? Yes, your sister probably is a bitch. I'd be a bitch too if I'd had to put up with your whiny ass my whole life. Listening to you for three minutes has probably turned me into a bitch already. Over my ipod, too, by the way, that's how loud you are. The volume is all the way up and I can still barely hear it over your inconsequential yammering.
You're lost? Look at the fucking bus schedule. It's right in front of you. Just get up off your fat ass and go look at it. You don't know where Washington Street is? We passed it. Yes, it's behind us. No, the bus isn't going to turn around for you, dumbass, why the hell would it do that? Don't you understand the basic functioning of a fucking bus? Barring construction or emergency deviations, it drives on a predetermined route for a predetermined amount of time. If you need to go the other way, you get off the bus, walk across the street, and wait for the bus going the opposite direction. Not too fucking difficult to do when I put it that way, is it?
Don't turn around, don't ask me when the bus is going to stop. Oh shit, hello Mrs. Sanders, so nice to see you! Yes, it's a lovely day out, a fantastic time to go for a walk. Life is wonderful, I couldn't be happier, thank you for asking! How are you doing? I hear Giggles just got back from the vet, how is he doing? Oh, I'm so glad to hear it. He's always been such a sweet dog, my ankles just haven't been the same since I met him. Oh, I'd love to accompany you to your choir rehearsal dinner, but I'm actually late for class right now. Yes, my education is very important, I'm so thankful for my parents drilling that ethos into me at such an early age. Yes, I certainly do owe them a lot, they are wonderful people. No, I actually love my mother's cooking.
Excuse me? Did you really just say that? Your shepherd's pie is terrible, there's no way it can compare to my mother's lemon meringue pie, you must be off your damn rocker, woman. Jesus Hussein Christ, get off the fucking bus already. I've had just enough of your bullshit.
Love,
Your favorite niece
Shut up. Get off your goddamn phone, nobody cares about your Chihuahua's tracheotomy. That whimpering noise it makes when you get home? That's because it sees your mink coat, which is hideous, by the way, and thinks that you're going to skin it too. It fears your fat ass because it's too stupid to realize how fucking worthless you are. It doesn't love you, not even in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way. It can't love you, nobody could ever love you.
No, oh hell no. She hung up on you, don't call your mother to bitch about it. Oh, that was your sister? Yes, your sister probably is a bitch. I'd be a bitch too if I'd had to put up with your whiny ass my whole life. Listening to you for three minutes has probably turned me into a bitch already. Over my ipod, too, by the way, that's how loud you are. The volume is all the way up and I can still barely hear it over your inconsequential yammering.
You're lost? Look at the fucking bus schedule. It's right in front of you. Just get up off your fat ass and go look at it. You don't know where Washington Street is? We passed it. Yes, it's behind us. No, the bus isn't going to turn around for you, dumbass, why the hell would it do that? Don't you understand the basic functioning of a fucking bus? Barring construction or emergency deviations, it drives on a predetermined route for a predetermined amount of time. If you need to go the other way, you get off the bus, walk across the street, and wait for the bus going the opposite direction. Not too fucking difficult to do when I put it that way, is it?
Don't turn around, don't ask me when the bus is going to stop. Oh shit, hello Mrs. Sanders, so nice to see you! Yes, it's a lovely day out, a fantastic time to go for a walk. Life is wonderful, I couldn't be happier, thank you for asking! How are you doing? I hear Giggles just got back from the vet, how is he doing? Oh, I'm so glad to hear it. He's always been such a sweet dog, my ankles just haven't been the same since I met him. Oh, I'd love to accompany you to your choir rehearsal dinner, but I'm actually late for class right now. Yes, my education is very important, I'm so thankful for my parents drilling that ethos into me at such an early age. Yes, I certainly do owe them a lot, they are wonderful people. No, I actually love my mother's cooking.
Excuse me? Did you really just say that? Your shepherd's pie is terrible, there's no way it can compare to my mother's lemon meringue pie, you must be off your damn rocker, woman. Jesus Hussein Christ, get off the fucking bus already. I've had just enough of your bullshit.
Love,
Your favorite niece
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